The sweet age of 27. I do count as “young,” but it’s embarrassing to say that I’m young, and the things I do are a little bit off to say that I’m mature. I’m in an ambiguous and contradictory period. (Or no, rather, it has just started.)

 

I really started to ‘work’ when I was 24, when I graduated college. Besides a part-time job, I have never worked at a typical office; I’ve worked for social enterprises, civic groups, and projects in the public sector. Currently, I’ve been working under the title of ‘teacher’ at a community study room, which is part of a community organization, for 2 years.

 

▲ Everyday life at the study room. From the fact that I’m doing this work for the second year, it’s certain that there’s a pleasure I get from it. ©Dalkkum

When the work I have chosen eats away at me

 

My GPA, not to mention TOEIC, TOEFL, contests, and exams for skill certificates—regarding them as taboo was what my college life was about. I didn’t want to be consumed by work [in my future], but I also liked planning and implementing events for school because I had always liked doing alternative work and activities.

 

Just when I was about to graduate, I saw a job opening for an arts and culture social enterprise and vaguely thought, “This is it! I’ll be able to earn money while enjoying work!” I submitted my application without hesitating and was interviewed. Being the naive person I was then, I didn’t think the [monthly] salary of 1,000,000 won [906 USD] was that bad.

 

On the first day of work, I met six new activists. Before 3 months had passed after that first day, three of them had quit. Although each had their own reasons for quitting, to be honest, it seemed that the frequent overtime work at night and the low pay were the decisive factors.

 

And after six months passed, I was able to sort of understand the people who had quit early. Although I worked in a department that had relatively little work, it was not easy to ignore your coworkers and senior workers and be the first one to go home in such a small organization. Of course, no one forced me to work overtime at night. But whenever I left work on time, I felt uncomfortable and cautious. This was the start of my discontent.

 

Planning alternative activities is meaningful work, but the weekends I had to give up for cultural events started to take a toll on me, and I started to have a desire to live a more relaxed life.

 

This led to me separating work and life. I no longer sought pleasure from that work. But as time passed by, I gradually understood that if I didn’t live as a “passionate laborer” who equated the organization with myself, I would not be able to hold out at the enterprise. When I realized that I was not contributing to the organization and had become a fool who did not enjoy herself, I decided not to work there any longer.

 

Part time work over here, activities over there

 

For a year after quitting work at the social enterprise which was my first job, I did volunteer work at a human rights organization while earning money through part time work or public projects. It was a year I had planned and carried out to do the work I wanted (human rights work), but by the time it was almost over, I was in a bad situation. No, to be more honest, I had become more of a mess.

 

The life doing part time work that made money on the one hand, while doing activities that did not make money on the other was more difficult than I had thought and it caused an overload. My life easily lost its balance. This unstable life amplified my anxiety. Although I took English classes regularly, my language scores were awful, and when I saw that I had spent that year without being able to equip myself with spec [job qualifications], I was ashamed of myself.

 

At that point, coincidently, I was offered a position as an after-school study room teacher for elementary school students at a community organization. Because I had never thought about education or caregiving, I turned it down at first. But  it did seem to be an opportunity to resolve the anxiety I had had.

 

If I had to find a connecting point, I could say that it was related to my interests (community activities and arts and culture education), and so on second thought, it seemed to be an appropriate job. Because I needed a job where I didn’t have to hide my identity as a sexual minority, where I wouldn’t be consumed, and where my anxiety could be put to rest, even if temporarily. It wasn’t a grand agenda, but I wanted to change my everyday life a little. That was another beginning.

 

After spending a year that was like a war

 

The place I’m working at is an after-school study room where 3rd to 6th graders come after school is over. It’s called a study room, but schoolwork is not the main focus. It’s a learning place where children can rest and learn through play. It’s free in order to support children from low-income households.

 

This study room also has the color of a community activism project in that it was made by those who used to run night schools [for factory workers] and because it’s located inside the facility of a community organization.

 

▲ My ‘students’ ©Dalkkum

Consequently, the teacher, who is the only full-time employee, meets the children and teaches and takes care of them, but also carries out the role of a community activist. Also, similar to managing an organization, s/he has to manage the sponsors, and is involved in managing the study room and in financial issues. Sometimes, s/he has to move quickly in supporting projects and carry them out, and also be interested in the community networks, participate, and form alliances.

 

I have experience working with middle school students in media education as a part time job when I was a student. Even during my first job at the social enterprise, I had met community child center youth and briefly carried out arts and culture education. My current job was my first time meeting elementary school students, but I secretly thought that they would be easier to handle then the teenagers I had experienced. But this thought was shattered instantly on-site.

 

To refer to a typical example: to convey an announcement to children, you have to speak many more words, and it takes much more work. So there were many more things to prepare for education.

 

Because the characteristic of this study room is that students from 3rd grade to 6th grade were mixed, the children have different desires depending on their age, and it is not an easy job to plan one lesson that fit children with various levels.

 

More than anything, I was stuck in the position of having to replace a teacher who had had a more than 3-year relationship with the children. In addition, it was a point at which the space used by the children was to be downsized.  It took a long time for the children to adjust to the situation that had changed overnight. When I think about it now, I think the children felt deprived in many ways.

 

And all that discontent was expressed towards me. The older girls, who had been especially close with the previous teacher, particularly shunned me. I was too unskilled as a teacher to cleverly maneuver around their hostility.

 

There was no one to advise me or set me on the right track at my workplace. Consequently, I had to spend a year that felt like a war in order for the children and I to adjust to each other. It truly was a year that was like war. I think every day with the children was a continuation of a new battle.

 

During that time, I would contact people I knew and other activists incessantly for advice to solve each single problem. I read books related to education, and I deliberately made the time in the evenings to listen to good lectures. For problems that didn’t get solved despite that, I ploughed through them alone and came up with solutions.

 

Now, after a year has passed, when I spend a peaceful day with the children, I realize that even I have acquired a lot of tricks and skills to form relationships. As I learned to read the world of children who are at times simple but also very complicated, I became more curious about the thoughts of children and their days. I want to try communicating in a variety of ways. In this aspect, I think the study room could be a place where a teacher can actualize a lot of the values s/he has.

 

The study room I’m working at provides a lot of opportunities for me to try relating to the children in alternative ways that have occurred to me, and to try out my own ideas. I can plan classes related to arts and culture education, human rights education, democracy, and feminism, share these with the children, and at times fail. Nevertheless, all the things I try in order to form a relationship with the children on equal terms are my most enjoyable work.

 

However, the study room I work at is both a place where all this is possible and where there seems to be nothing, as if there is no structure. As a person who meets the children, runs the organization, and works and makes a living through the organization, it’s a place where I must resolve all the discontent and problems that occur during work by myself.  Solving all problems through trial and error—that is the only way I can adjust here.

 

‘Until when, like this?’ I still ask

 

It seems as if the keywords ‘community’ and ‘young adult activist’ are trending in the public sphere, likely because of the measures the city of Seoul is taking to expand social enterprise jobs as a solution to youth unemployment. As someone who happens to be in her 20s and is making a living from community activities, and who coincidently became a person who fits those ‘hot’ keywords, this discourse is unfamiliar to me.

 

Frankly, although right now I say that I chose this place, there are times when I’m swept with the anxiety about, when time passes by a little more and when I’m older, whether I will have no choice but to be in places like this. At those moments, I wonder whether I should be striving to get other specs, not doing work that doesn’t even get recognized.

 

Can this place, that endlessly demands ‘passion labor’ and responsibility, and expects one to grow alone and solve problems through solitary struggle, really be considered an alternative workplace? Even now, I’m skeptical of whether this place, where I have to make a living with around 1,000,000 won [per month], is really better than a traditional workplace.

 

‘Until when can I do this work?’ ‘Until when can I live like this?’ Although I chose socially helpful labor with the modest desire to live a life that doesn’t consume me, and I make a living with the wages I receive, I still ask these questions.

 

Even though I’m in my 2nd year as a teacher in the study room, my career path is unclear at the moment. When I hear news of friends who had been preparing to work in public office passing the civil servant exam, I honestly envy them. It’s true that I at times also think, it’s not too late; should I try for that exam? I don’t have a job for life; I’m getting older; I don’t even know what I should be doing right now; and it’s not like I have clear beliefs. I’m still a confused person.

 

The keyword ‘anxiety’ is now used much too frequently. But it just won’t get away from me. [Translated by Rose]

 

*Original Article: https://ildaro.com/6899 Published: November 24, 2014

 

◆ To see more English-language articles from Ilda, visit our English blog(https://ildaro.blogspot.com).

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