The Cold Reality of Standing on One’s Own

“On Familial Sexual Abuse”: Conditions Necessary for Leaving Shelter

Jo Hwa | 기사입력 2023/01/19 [18:55]

The Cold Reality of Standing on One’s Own

“On Familial Sexual Abuse”: Conditions Necessary for Leaving Shelter

Jo Hwa | 입력 : 2023/01/19 [18:55]

Editor’s note: Based on their experiences meeting survivors of familial sexual abuse, activists with Yeollimteo, a shelter affiliated with the Korean Sexual Violence Relief Center, explore how society should view familial sexual abuse, understand the lives of survivors, and prevent further crimes.

 

Su-a: “I want to develop the strength to become independent”

 

Su-a moved into Yeollimteo in the winter of last year. A year before, she had left the youth shelter where she had lived for three years, during which time she graduated high school and continued to live comfortably. After she moved out of the shelter to live alone in a goshiwon, however, she had difficulties getting by, and ended up coming to Yeollimteo.

 

The abuse and sexual assault at the hands of her father, which started in middle school, had forced Su-a to monitor her perpetrator’s mood to keep herself safe, and she always felt anxious in her relationships with others. She couldn’t stop herself from carefully watching people she was with to make sure even a single utterance of hers didn’t make them uncomfortable, and she was easily hurt when their reactions were even a little bit negative. This made even part-time work difficult for her, as dealing with customers made her so nervous that she couldn’t ring up their purchases correctly, and if one suddenly asked her a question, she would panic and become unable to answer at all. She had to quit after a month or two each time.

 

When she realized in this way that she couldn’t work steadily, Su-a diagnosed her problem: “Because the people at the shelter helped me every time I had  a problem and protected me like I was a hothouse flower, I became a victim who needed help.” She had become used to depending on others and avoiding responsibility. The endlessly protective attitude of the people at the youth shelter, who—because of her status as a victim of sexual violence—tried to handle themselves any problem she had, made it difficult for Su-a to develop the strength she needed to stand on her own after leaving the shelter.

 

▲ The difficulty of facing post-shelter life alone (image by pixabay)

 

So it was that when she began to live alone, she blamed the shelter workers for her problems, but as she found herself in the same situation over and over again, she began to feel a frustration with herself that she couldn’t understand, and became more and more helpless. So it was that when she came to live at Yeollimteo, what she wanted most was help developing the strength to stand on her own.

 

Su-a got a chance to work part-time at a place managed by a supporter of Yeollimteo, and with the shelter workers, she practiced one-by-one dealing with the little things that are so easy and trivial for others. By going through the entire processes of tasks ranging from greeting customers to making and answering phone calls, taking down orders, and ringing up purchases, she prepared for the real events. She did encounter some frustrations and difficulties, but with the understanding, patience, and steady advice and counseling of these supporters, as well their continuing encouragement, she became able to hold on to a part-time job.

 

Future yoga instructor Han-yeong

 

When they begin living in Yeollimteo, the first thing that survivors work on is the recovery of an everyday life. Coming from situations in which they are constantly tense because of never knowing when they will next be abused by their family member, they have to pull together their tired minds and bodies.

 

After adjusting to some degree to life in the shelter, people begin to think about the future. For survivors who already have life goals, it is easy to begin supporting them to become independent, but most of those who come to Yeollimteo struggled so much just to endure the abuse and violence in their families that they have never had the time or opportunity to think about what they are good at or would like to do.

 

People living at Yeollimteo consider ways to explore their own desires and find their path. This year, the shelter conducted the “Dreams and Aptitudes Exploration Program,” in which survivors received individual help from a life-path coach in exploring their aptitudes and creating a detailed plan appropriate to their situation to connect these aptitudes with careers. In the last session, they gathered together to tell each other about their hopes, dreams, and desired careers, discuss their responsibility for doing what is necessary to achieve their dreams, and receive encouragement from each other.

 

Through this program, Yeollimteo resident Han-yeong was advised to try yoga. She enjoyed a yoga class she took, and is now studying to become an instructor. After dropping out of university and coming to Seoul, she had only had part-time jobs like café waitressing, but when she started doing yoga, she found she had an aptitude for it and that the regular exercise improved her health, and her self-confidence shot up

 

Sometimes Han-yeong even teaches yoga to the other residents, and they have a good time together. Seeing her change for the better has also inspired other residents to work even harder to find their life paths. This is just one example of how Yeollimteo residents’ efforts to “find their dreams” have positive effects on each other.

 

The difficulty of facing post-shelter life alone

 

Seong-eun entered Yeollimteo in her final year of high school. She wanted to become a social worker who would give strength to children like her, and after receiving life-path counselling at the shelter, she decided to prepare to enter university with a major in social welfare. Then one day, she said that she wanted to leave the shelter when she graduated high school. She wanted to live freely outside of the shelter, so she would delay university for a while.

 

A year after leaving the shelter, Seong-eun said that she was so busy with her low-paying job that each day sped by. Her one-room apartment was in a relatively cheap neighborhood in Seoul, but still, it was too difficult to manage the rent, utilities, cell phone bill, and living expenses.

 

Also, her anxiety about her safety while living alone was steadily increasing - but she had nowhere near the means to move to a safer apartment. She had no time to think about her future while she was working hard every day to solve the problem of food and shelter. Unless her financial situation improved, it seemed it would be impossible to consider any life path besides her current job.

 

Jin-a, another former resident, left the shelter when she started university. A good student, she was very excited and told us she would be able to achieve her dreams. She was fortunate in that her high school teacher and a Yeollimteo supporter donated the money for her first semester’s tuition. However, she had to work part-time to earn her living expenses, which made it impossible for her to get high enough grades to get a scholarship. She became unable to pay her tuition and so had no choice but to take a leave of absence in her second year.

 

What was worse, the difficulty of combining school and a part-time job negatively affected her health, and the medical bills made her situation even more desperate. While living at Yeollimteo, she had received long-term treatment paid for by medical benefits for which shelter residents are eligible, but once she moved out, she could no longer afford proper treatment.

 

While these financial and physical problems were going on, Jin-a also had to battle the temptation to go into sex work. She considered it because of the difficulty of paying her tuition. The thought that she wouldn’t be having such a hard time if she had family who could help her out was upsetting. Without a family, she had no freedom to wander around or to make mistakes, and that she couldn’t take even a short break from part-time work pained her. She now plans to move in with a friend that she lived with at Yeollimteo. It is a decision made to save even on living expenses as much as possible.

 

Though the circumstances and resources of each are different, the difficulties faced by survivors of sexual violence who live alone after leaving a shelter are similar. It’s common for them to suffer from chronic loneliness. There is almost no one with whom they are in regular contact, and so they start to vaguely miss their families while at the same time resenting them for having turned their backs after the survivor revealed he or she was sexually abused.

 

Former Yeollimteo resident Seong-eun feels this loneliness deeply, but she has trouble becoming close with those around her because it is difficult to explain to them her situation. That her position is so different from that of others in their early 20s also makes her feel bitter.

 

What gives her strength, however, is the community of those who lived at Yeollimteo with her. They are the only people who could substitute for family for each other. The news that a few of them gathered together on a holiday, made an approximation of ancestor ritual food because they had never learned how to do it properly, and cried while they held ancestor rituals with disposable containers, made Yeollimteo workers sad.

 

Housing, medical care, job training: social support is needed

 

It’s natural for survivors living in the communal, highly structured and regulated environment of a shelter to feel stifled or to start to wish to make an independent life for themselves. This kind of wish must be respected.

 

Also, according to shelter policy, survivors can’t stay indefinitely even if they wish to. Therefore, developing the strength to live alone is a survivor’s urgent duty, while providing the conditions that make such post-shelter independence feasible is society’s duty.

 

Since 2011, victims of sexual violence who have lived for a certain period at a shelter and then been discharged have received self-support payments. However, the amount is completely insufficient for the long-term independence of victims of familial sexual abuse, who have no other sources of support. When former residents start their independence under financial difficulties, the problems only deepen and can eventually lead to trying sex work or leaving school.

 

The different types of aid that survivors of sexual assault receive at a shelter should continue to be provided for a period after they are discharged. Limiting the “independence preparation period” to the time they are at the shelter and shoving them outside of the social safety net when they are discharged makes a stable transition difficult.

 

It is also urgent that we provide aid to allow them to enjoy their right to housing. The biggest problem that many survivors of sexual assault face post-shelter is finding a place to live. It is no easy thing for survivors to obtain a safe space in which they can live alone if they have no home to which they can return or can’t receive help even though they have a family.

 

Methods that the government could consider include giving victims of family sexual abuse housing preferences or offering them special low-interest loans.

 

Aid to help cover medical expenses should also be provided for a limited time. As mentioned above, the medical benefits that shelter residents receive end when they are discharged. Most live with financial uncertainty after becoming independent, and it is easy for their health to become worse when they are facing a difficult life alone. Therefore, medical aid should continue for a certain period after discharge.

 

Institutes offering a variety of types of job training should be expanded so that female victims of violence have more safe spaces in which to learn about and prepare for independence without fear of mistakes. They need a certain amount of time to prepare for financial independence; if you don’t treat their vulnerability with understanding and give them time to adjust, there is a strong chance that their work activities will end in a short-term attempt that gives them no useful experience. In that situation, the survivor’s successful independence becomes a remote possibility.

 

“Independence” becomes possible when one has access to adequate social resources. It is not something that a survivor prepares for all by herself at a shelter, but something that society has to plan out and put into practice. Survivors’ becoming independent also reduces financial burdens on society in the long term. The improvement of current policy, under which survivors lose social support and are asked to become self-reliant on their own after leaving a shelter, is a task that can no longer be delayed.

 

Published: December 3, 2013

Translated by Marilyn Hook

*Original article: http://ildaro.com/6522

 

◆ To see more English-language articles from Ilda, visit our English blog(https://ildaro.blogspot.com).

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